A new wind blows
it sweeps away
the fog that loomed within.
A new sky shows
it gives me hope
that I can smile again.
A new field grows
full of flowers
they bloom a happy grin.
My heart it knows
that times are changing
pain will not always win.
So life bestows
a change of seasons
time to let joy back in.
My breaths are numbered
and I know not the day,
so as you slumber
I let my heart convey
...A precious note
penned just for you.
Sentiments to linger
when my time is through.
I can't live forever,
but this note I will leave
to offer you comfort
when your heart wants to grieve.
The note contains wisdom
and speaks words of love.
May it be a gift
of guidance from above.
Please keep this tradition
and pass the note on
so our grandkids will know us
long after we're gone.
Now open this note
with the peace of mind
that my memory remains
though I left you behind.
I drove as fast as I could,
though I knew you were gone.
What would I say
If I had gotten my goodbye?
There would be no words to keep you here
and they would not be enough
to express my love and gratitude.
I stood by your body,
and kissed your cold shell.
It was no longer you.
Where are you?
Sitting curled up in your chair
in wee hours of that morn,
watching Grandma slip into the fog of loneliness,
I waited for you to walk into the room.
You never did.
I waited, all that week
as I stayed at your house,
planning your final service.
But you never came.
Planning that service was the last thing
I wanted to do...
but it was the last thing
that I was honored to do for you.
I did it just the way you would have wanted.
Yet, I still waited for you.
I took Grandma to get something red to wear,
and hoped that you'd join us.
You didn't.
I bought a new dress and wore the shoes
that I wore to your birthday party.
I hoped that you would be there to see me.
I sat at your casket side, singing for you.
I went to your graveside, crying for you.
I left your body there, sobbing for you.
But you weren't there.
I go back to your house
and I still look.
Even though I know exactly where to find you,
and it is nowhere near me.
"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"Why are you crying?"
"I am sad."
"Why are you sad?"
"My heart is hurting."
"Why does it hurt?"
"It is broken."
She scurries away.
I ask her what she is up to.
She returns, glue stick in hand.
"We'll fix this right up!"
She kisses my cheek.
No need for the glue stick.
I feel much better already.
I push your memory away, most days
because the pain is too much to acknowledge.
But in the silence of the night
or at the glimpse of your image
you are suddenly here.
I wish my arms could penetrate death
so I could hug you one last time.
Or that my voice could travel beyond the uncrossable chasm
in my desire to tell you "Goodbye."
The reality, is still, too fresh to be dealt with.
I'm comfortable in my denial.
Admitting your permanent absence
would mean that I have to leave this place,
the strange corner of my mind
where I'm allowed the ridiculous
delusions of your continued presence.
Someday I'll be forced to crawl out
into the reality that is your death.
But for now, I'll stay.
It's strange to me, the hate some sow.
Toward people whom they really do not know.
Am I not human, allowed to be imperfect?
Rushing tides of criticism of which I am the subject.
I seek to be truthful and know that it may cost me.
If you expect me to understand your judgement...I'll admit that you've lost me.
I open up to the world, in attempt to create inner healing.
When judgement turns to personal attacks, the hurt just sends me reeling.
I refuse to let them get me down and walk away defeated.
I'll soldier on, ignore the hate and know that my forgiveness is needed.
They know not how they hurt me, but words will not spill blood.
So I'll forgive the judgement, hate and slinging of their mud.
I forgive you.
